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Matrimonial relationship

“Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.” — I Corinthians 13:4-7 5:14

June is oftentimes the month for weddings and wedding anniversary celebrations. And so, it might be good to reflect on the problems and challenges of matrimonial relationships in our country today in the light of the Scriptures.

In a theological consultation that I attended recently, one of the participants is a pastor who comes from a very wealthy family in Bacolod. By sharing his stories to us, we got a very concrete picture of the lifestyle of the very rich people in our country today. He confessed that he and his wife almost separated, because rich people like him would consider themselves married only when they are inside their house. Outside, they are like playboys and bachelors who would take advantage of every beautiful young women that they would see in their own haciendas.

The Pastor, together with his wife, left their family hacienda, and pursued his calling as God’s servant, because he soon realized that money is not everything in life. In fact, he had a quarrel with his uncle, because the Pastor, who was serving then as the hacienda manager, cancelled all the debts of the grandparents and parents of their tenants who were already dead a long time ago, but their poor descendants are still paying those debts that somehow tied them up to perpetual poverty. His uncle almost killed him for what he did.

In the legal arena, some of those who are in Congress and in the Senate have been trying to pass a law that would legalize divorce in our country. But since we are predominantly Roman Catholic, it might be quite difficult to legalize this practice. However, even if we do not have divorce laws in our country, we have nevertheless provisions for legal separation as well as annulment of marriage. This is not to mention the phenomenon of live-in relationships and the querida or kabit system that are equally damaging to matrimonial relationships.

In recent decades, the phenomenon of overseas Filipino workers also brought some serious problems to matrimonial relationships in our country. Studies show that about 95% of husbands or wives who left their spouse to earn a living abroad had some marital problems later on. Either the wife or the husband or both had developed some kind of extra-marital relationships.

These are some of the problems and challenges that married couples in our country today are facing. In the first letter of Apostle Paul to the Corinthians, we could glean some beautiful guidelines on how to develop a strong, fulfilled, and successful matrimonial relationship (I Corinthians 13). His letter is actually meant not only for married couples, but also for all Christians in general.

Deeper understanding of love

First of all, to have a strong, fulfilled, and successful matrimonial relationship, we must have a deeper understanding of love. For many of us, love is just a feeling that needs to be responded to by the desires of the flesh. This kind of love is constantly changing according to one’s own feelings. But when such feelings are gone, love is also gone. This is a very selfish kind of love. It would think of no one else but itself. A matrimonial relationship that is grounded on this kind of love will not be strong, fulfilled, or successful.

But for Apostle Paul, love is “patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; it is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; it does not keep a record of wrongs; it is not happy with evil, but is happy with truth. It never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail”(vs.4-7). This is the very nature of true and genuine love.

When the Rev. Arnedo Bicomong of the Unida Church, a good friend of mine, suffered from stroke, he lost his beautiful voice that made him won the Tawag ng Tanghalan during his younger days. He could no longer recognize people nor even bathe himself. But his wife never left him; she took good care of him. They remained as sweet as ever. When the wife was asked what made her do all these things, she had only one answer: “Because I love my husband!” This is the meaning of true love. In sickness or in health, this kind of love will endure. Apostle Paul says, “Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail”(v.7).

Constant communication

Secondly, to have a strong, fulfilled, and successful matrimonial relationship, we must have constant communication with each other. A writer onetime asked Hollywood actor Alan Alda what made their matrimonial relationship with his wife Arlene Weiss remain unshaken, unlike many Hollywood or even Filipino actors and actresses. Alan Alda responded saying: “It’s communication. We love to talk with each other”.

We could learn a lot from the experience this Hollywood couple. Constant communication with each other helps maintain a strong, fulfilled, and successful matrimonial relationship. Husband and wife should set aside a time for them to talk with each other. Perhaps, before sleeping at night or before rising up in the morning. Perhaps, they would talk about their plans and problems in life, their misunderstandings and feelings for or even against each other. In this way, they could deal with any marital problem before it gets worse.

Besides, by having constant communication with each other, the purpose and hope of a husband and wife to have one mind, one heart, one flesh would be fulfilled. And therefore, the matrimonial relationship will remain strong even in the midst of hardships and difficulties.

Learn to be humble

Thirdly, to have a strong, fulfilled, and successful matrimonial relationship, we must learn to be humble. In the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, verse five of our text says, “Love does not insist on its own way”. In Today’s English Version, it simply says, “(Love is not) selfish”. Perhaps, it is good to understand that “insisting on our own way” is a form of selfishness. Because here we would think only of ourselves and would not consider the side of our spouse. Genuine love cannot remain in this way. Last Father’s Day Celebration, Pastor Deo Jamandre sent me a text message saying, “A person, who surrenders himself even if he is right, is a husband! Happy Father’s Day!”

In the old TV program, “Mel and Jay” of the GMA Channel, there was once an episode that featured a couple who restored their marriage after many years of separation, and already living a happy married life. One of them confessed that they separated, because the husband cannot accept his own fault. But when he learned to be humble and asked forgiveness for the wrongs he had done, little by little their mutual love and respect for each other were restored.

One of the most difficult things to do is to have a sense of humility. And this is because of our human sinfulness. According to the Scriptures, the sin of pride is the number one sin committed by human beings. This is sin of Adam and Eve (Gen.3); the sin of those who put up the Tower of Babylon (Gen.11); the sin of the Scribes and Pharisees during Jesus’ time (Mt.23). This is also our number one sin even today.

Humility is God’s very nature. This is what Jesus Christ had shown in and through his life. If a person is humble, then it means that God is working in his life. If there’s humility in the matrimonial relationship, then it shows that God is reigning in such relationship. And therefore, there is joy and fulfillment; it is strong and successful, because God is there. Apostle Paul said, “Love is not jealous or conceited or proud” (v.4).

Learn to forgive

And finally, to have a strong, fulfilled, and successful matrimonial relationship, we must learn to forgive. There was once a movie entitled, “Wanted Perfect Husband. It was about a woman who was desperately looking for a perfect husband. But she could not find one. Until she realized that if she would like to find a perfect husband, then she must change herself – her own way of thinking, her own attitude, her own character. She could not find a perfect husband, simply because she already thought of herself as perfect. And she tried to measure everyone in terms of herself.

Actually, there is no perfect husband or perfect wife. All of us have our own limitations in the eyes of God and of people. Apostle Paul said, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Rom.3:23). Unless we realize that we are all sinners, it would be quite difficult to forgive other people, even our own spouse. This was the reason why the Pharisees had the difficulty to forgive the adulterous woman, because they thought they were unblemished before God (John 8).

But nevertheless, it is always the hope and prayer of every married couple that they would remain true and faithful to each other. Hence, there is a need for them to learn to understand and forgive each other’s limitations. As Apostle Paul said, “Love is patient and kind…love does not keep a record of wrongs, love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth” (vs.4-6). #

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