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What’s straight? What’s crooked?

By PINK-JEAN FANGON MELEGRITO

Have you ever wondered since when the term ‘straight’ referred to the heterosexuals? I have always pondered over this sensational term why ever the heterosexuals are referred to as the ‘straights’. Was there ever a crooked one? Why was it crooked? Who sets it straight anyway?

Since I came to Baguio to study, I have come to be open-minded to, say, alternative lifestyles. Alternative, in a sense that it does not simply go with the flow, with the traditional way of living, with the culturally-vindicated righteousness of the heterosexual world, that is, that a man is for a woman and a woman is born to be wild and bear mankind offspring who in the nearest future also choose to bear their own offspring. Seems pretty an uncomplicated life, just the way the society put it should be.

So what again spurred my continuous ranting about the long dispute over heterosexuals-discriminating-homosexuals situation? The show “Straight Plan for the Gay Man” aired its first infuriating episode last May 6 on a locally operated cable channel. Madenning. Prejudiced. Completely erroneous.

The “Straight Plan” is to take on a gay man crossing the threshold of curiosity on a particular ‘heterosexual’ activity. The first ‘project’ was Jonathan, a successful fashion envoy living in a glamorous Upper East Side New York apartment. Jonathan came up to Billy, Rob, Curtis and Kyle, the ‘straights’, to teach him become a meat packer. Meat packing and butchering, and most blue collar jobs, according to the ‘straights’ are jobs in the man’s world. To butch up some hard meat, a strong macho man is needed. Jonathan needs to pass as a ‘straight’ meat packer, and his salvation could only come from the ‘straight training’.

He left his fashion job for a few days and his training starts. Firstly, his apartment was stripped of any trace of gayness. His satin and silk sheets and pillow cases were replaced with dirty plaids. Jonathan’s hygiene products were eliminated and replaced with just a stinky shaver and one soap bar. His bathroom was messed up with toilet paper scattered all around, the shower curtain was replaced with strips of beer labels glued in a cellophane sheet, and cigarette butts float in the toilet bowl. As Curtis, the environment guy puts it, “Never flush your toilet. That’s how a real man should live.”

During the show, tips to live by as a straight man flashed on the screen. Every tip started with the tag, “Wanna play it straight?” Tips pour in like vomit. “The straight talk is filled with dirty jokes.” “Fake it when you lose. Like in bowling, when you can’t strike, blame it to an old sport injury; just don’t show your emotions, especially failure.” “Always curse.” “Fart in a closed car.” “Trash is art (literally picking up trash in a dump truck).” Among other loathing tips, their list goes on, thinking there is so much wrong going on in the ‘gay world’.

So Jonathan’s mission finally comes to a close, he ‘successfully’ deceived the meat shop workers as they didn’t have any idea that he is actually gay. The ‘Straights’ win, what happens to the gay guy?

It was meant to ridicule the show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, also shown in another locally operated cable channel. It was a clear mockery of the much more sensitive show “Queer Eye”, which has the goal of simply helping a heterosexual in dire straits. Take John, a guy planning the best proposal to his long-time Armenian girlfriend to marry him. Jay, the culture guy, taught him some Armenian phrases to mean “I Love You, Will You Marry Me”. Thom, the interior designer, cleaned up and organized his apartment for a more Western Asian-inspired romantic mood upon his proposal. And Ted, the chef, taught him to fix some chocolate blocks, wherein the last block contains the engagement ring. The moment was exhilarating and the girlfriend said yes without second thoughts when she knew of all John’s efforts with the help of the gay guys. These gay men don’t even mention anything amiss about his sexuality; they just helped and suggested some ways he could improve his lifestyle, not imposed on to change his sexuality or cover up his real identity.

Cases in point, “The Straight Plan” was merely heterosexist. ‘Straight’ is even a sexist term- if you’re not heterosexual, you are definitely not ‘straight’. You fall on the curb, and you’re crooked. You’re somehow wrong. What does this show say about men? That they are pigs and disgustingly gross (as their tips show)?

What difference is there between this show and the sexist practice like what happened in Laramie, Wyoming (USA) when a suspected gay was salvaged and hanged on barb wires in an open road? Different from what happened with Teena Brandon, a Texan lesbian in her early twenties raped and brutally shot in the head just because she was a lesbian? Different from the two Middle Eastern adolescent gay partners beheaded and its video was spread through the Internet? Difference from General Nacar, Quezon (yes, here in the Philippines) where homosexuals are totally banned or else coming out would mean beating in public (even guys wearing earrings or pink shirts are also discriminated)?

All these accounts are true that happened just recently from late 1990s to present, and left nurtured. These events paralleled to the “Straight Plan” show are an abomination to the advancement of homosexual acceptance in the society, as some nowadays claim. The “Straight Plan” only cultivates the abysmal negative effects of stereotyping both heterosexuals and homosexuals. This show is one of the myriad reasons why homosexuals still opt to live alone. Or that some homosexuals, despite coming out, feel deep inside them that their ‘condition’ and discrimination against them are out of a punishment for living a sinful unaccepted lifestyle. And that some heterosexuals, especially the macho, feel that the world belongs and must revolve to their dictates alone.

As we can see, it’s still a far cry from being a fair world. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, as one philosopher said. And no one should ever tell you whose world you’re living in anyway. #

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