3 MIN READ

By JOSHUA ROEL CUARESMA
www.nordis.net

There’s a Filipino translation of the phrase ‘I hope’ that I’ve always held close: ‘sana’. It’s a word that has sometimes kept me alive, yet also one that has died within me. 

‘Sana mas naging matapang ako. Sana mas nag-effort ako. Sana mas pinili ko sarili ko.’ These are just some of the thousands of ‘sana’ I’ve hoped for. However, one still haunts me no matter how long I’ve moved on. 

Stepping into the university with a notebook clutched close to my chest, it was a strange feeling. A mix of excitement and fear ran through me as I entered a classroom full of young Iskolars like me. The room is lively with the continuous chatter of my blockmates —a symphony of different paths —but there’s a lingering voice, clinging to the dark corners of myself. A whisper that sent chills down my spine, echoing “sana nag-nursing ako.” 

It was there when videos of nursing students performing an Intravenous (IV) insertion as a return demonstration appeared on my for your page (FYP). It was there when my friends posted pictures of their capping and pinning ceremony, wearing that shiny, new nameplate on their chests, carrying the title “Student Nurse.” 

It was there, across the pedestrian lane on the other side of Session Road, where nursing students could be seen in their white uniforms, in contrast to the grey-painted, rainy sky of Baguio City. As its last breath, it clings to my dorm mate, with books in his hand titled “Anatomy and Physiology” with his radiating fulfillment. A feeling I could only feel so near, yet so far from me. No matter where I go, it is always around me, manifested in everything except my own touch. 

The feeling of unfulfillment continues to haunt me, creeping into my vulnerability, sorrow, and even the most mundane moments. Sometimes, the emptiness would be so heavy, I’d find myself pulling back from society. The little light dimming, my throat closing, shoving me into a pool of regret and desolation.

Within this pool are the things I wish or long for. From failures, academic and personal, to opportunities I’ve missed because of the things I chose. These altered the trajectory of my life, forever becoming my ‘sana.’

The many ‘sana’ turned into ‘paano kung,’ a continuous state of mind that shows the reality of what one chooses when one chooses a certain path. 

“What if I pursued nursing? What if I chose my passion? What if…”

These are some of the numerous questions I can’t answer, that I could only imagine. The life, struggles, and fulfillment it may bring. However, it brought a profound sense of life and hope to the path I chose for myself.

Not pursuing nursing wasn’t a choice to lose something – it was a choice to gain and discover myself. I have watched how my words ignited on a blank page, the fulfillment of completing a piece, which helped me discover my fondness for journalism and investigation. I discovered an organization that became my home away from home and friendships that would last a lifetime. Lastly, in this new path, instead of drowning, I find myself swimming in a sea of boundless curiosity and endless possibilities. 

The ghost of my ‘sana’ may never disappear. It will likely cling to me, haunting my every action and thought, or continue to whisper despite the crowded, noisy surroundings. It may even emerge in the quiet moments of a rainy day in Baguio City. 

However, I’ve come to realize that these whispers are not a voice of judgment or regret, but a reminder of a decision that I’ve made to discover the unseen corners of myself. It was never fear nor fright that hindered me from pursuing that dream, but the thirst to truly discover myself. 

This path, although scary, would lead me to an unknown destination—a mirror of the life I’ve chosen. It saw my ups and downs, my triumphs and failures, and especially showed me the things I’d overlooked. 

Nursing would be my persistent ghost; however, not pursuing it led me to numerous discoveries. From my passion for writing to releasing my younger self from the pool that continuously drowns him, restricting his imagination. This pool of regret, once a cage, has become a lens through which I see that my journey is not defined by what I lost, but by what I have found. Perhaps in another life, it would be nursing. 

I hope others with their own ‘sana’ will learn to see them as I have—not as ghosts to be feared, but as guides showing them the path they were always meant to take. For it is in these whispers of a different life that you find the strength to choose one that is truly meant to be yours. 

Remember that your journey isn’t defined by what you lost, but by the courage of what you found.#nordis.net

*The author is a second-year BA Communication student, majoring in Broadcasting with a minor in Journalism, at the University of the Philippines Baguio, who enjoys writing about personal reflections and life realizations.